Navigating Unsolicited Comments About Your Body or Weight

I started my first diet when I was eight years old. It began with skipping breakfast, eliminating certain foods and, evolved to not eating for extended periods of the day. I believed that the less I ate, the more weight I could lose and the more valued I was.

By my teens, thoughts about food and diets had infiltrated my mind, body, and spirit. There was never an hour in the day when I didn’t think about what I ate, what I was going to eat, what I looked like, and how I compared to others. From thigh gaps, hip dips, and arm jiggles to flat stomachs, each body part became my obsession.

I experienced this in the early 2000s but it is still very relevant. A 2023 systematic review showed that 22% of children and adolescents across the globe reported disordered eating with a significantly higher proportion (30%) among girls.

When Compliments Began

Asian families are notorious for being vocal about people’s physical appearance. Since I was a kid, relatives would blatantly say I was chubby, thick, and stocky, comparing me to my sisters and cousins like cattle. I was used to hearing how unattractive my body was.

Then in ninth grade, I caught a nasty case of bronchitis during winter break which caused me to lose a significant amount of weight. At holiday dinners, praise unexpectedly started flooding in.

An auntie exclaimed to my mom, “Your daughter has lost a lot of weight. She looks so beautiful and skinny now. How did she do it? What’s her secret?”

An uncle nonchalantly compared, “She used to be the big one but now she is just as pretty as her other sisters.”

My mom encouraged me to keep going, offering to help monitor what I ate. My dad told me how glad he was to see me take care of my health. 

Weight Loss Comments Are Helpful, Right?

I loved the attention and compliments. Their words made me feel beautiful. They had good intentions, motivating me to stay healthy. They were being helpful, right?

Kathleen Garcia-Benson, RDN, CSSD, LD, NASM-CPT, NBC-HWC, a registered dietitian specializing in PCOS, women’s health, sports nutrition, and digestive health explains that culturally, weight loss is frequently seen as inherently positive, so compliments often follow. This mindset is rooted in a societal norm that equates weight loss with improved health and success, often at any cost. 

“Many people spend years cycling through diets, striving for weight loss that may not be sustainable. Unfortunately, this cycle can lead to an unhealthy relationship with food, where the constant focus on dieting fosters a harmful pattern of restriction and overeating, rather than a balanced and sustainable approach to nourishment,” explains Garcia-Benson. 

The Pressure to Stay Thin

I was so excited to go to school and show off my new body to my friends and classmates. I bought new clothes, shoes, and accessories and planned outfits for the week. As each month went by, it became harder to keep the weight off. My bronchitis was long gone but my appetite came back.

Eventually, I returned to my original weight. I couldn’t fit into my new jeans and the thigh gap disappeared. I was devastated. I felt like I had let down everyone who was rooting for me. So I started resorting to extreme measures, using laxatives and taking diet pills.

When I couldn’t control my hunger anymore, I would scarf down three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Then I would feel disgusting, forcing myself to vomit. Every time I broke one of my food rules, I would punish myself by exercising for hours or doing a water fast. 

Disordered eating behaviors such as bingeing, purging, fasting, dieting, and laxatives or diuretics abuse can have severe physiological and psychological consequences. These include osteopenia (bone loss), osteoporosis (bone weakness), absence of amenorrhea (absent periods), and lifelong implications for dysfunctional eating.

Lindsey Cope, LCSW, an Atlanta-based therapist who specializes in eating disorders, anxiety, and body image shared that praising weight loss can be especially harmful to those recovering from an eating disorder as those comments can be triggering, leading to urges to use unhealthy behaviors, increased feelings of self-consciousness, and even shame and guilt. 

“When we praise weight loss, we’re reinforcing weight stigma, which harms people in all sized bodies by setting thinness as the ultimate goal,” said Cope.

Garcia-Benson adds that compliments on weight loss can unintentionally pressure the individual to continue losing or maintaining that weight, even if doing so is unhealthy or unsustainable.

“[A] focus on weight can overshadow other important aspects of health, such as mental well-being, muscle strength, and overall life satisfaction, reinforcing a narrow view of what it means to be healthy,” said Garcia-Benson.

The Mental Impact of Commenting on People’s Bodies

It has taken decades with lots of support to heal my relationship with food and my body, and recovery is ongoing. Comments about people’s bodies still affect me even when they aren’t directed toward me. They remind me of the beliefs that used to hold their grip on me and bring me back to my vulnerable and troubled 14-year-old self.

“For those with a history of disordered eating, comments on their body can trigger unhealthy thought patterns and behaviors, reinforcing harmful cycles and making recovery more difficult. These comments can negatively impact mental health, exacerbating struggles like anxiety, depression, or body dysmorphia, particularly for those who tie self-worth to appearance,” explained Garcia-Benson.

N’yl Thompson, LCSW-C, MS, a licensed therapist based in Houston, Texas, and Maryland specializing in ADHD, anxiety, depression, relationship issues, self-esteem, and family dynamics, explains that comments about someone’s body often come from a place of wanting to be supportive. While the person commenting might initially feel good about what they said, it could actually contribute to body image issues or set unrealistic standards. 

Thompson said that for the person receiving the comment, it can significantly affect their self-esteem and how they feel about their body. Positive comments might give a short-term boost but can also tie self-worth to looks, while negative comments can lead to feelings of inadequacy or anxiety.

“Shifting the focus to personal qualities, achievements, or efforts instead of appearance can help foster a healthier self-image and reduce the risk of negative mental health effects,” advised Thompson.

So instead of commenting on people’s bodies, let’s recognize their talent, compassion, listening skills, strength, humor, and energy. If you can’t find anything nice to say, just say nothing at all.