In this post in my relationship series, I wanted to discuss some considerations before getting into a relationship during medical school. Relationships are a commitment and take work. Can you make it work? Yes, many people have. However, is it challenging? Also, yes. And that can lead to some individuals struggling to make it through, unfortunately leading to a break up. Break ups are very hard to go through and can be very disruptive to your journey in medical school.
Avoiding break ups may be impossible, but taking the time to think about certain factors may help you avoid jumping into a situation too hastily. If you are dating and find someone who has potential, here are some things to consider before getting in a relationship during medical school. If you are interested in reading other articles in the series, please click the button below.
Your Partner’s Characteristics
When thinking about getting in a relationship during medical school, one of the most important considerations is your partner’s characteristics. There are many good characteristics you should look for: kindness, consideration, compatibility, etc. However, for someone with a medical school schedule, there are specific characteristics that will make or break the relationship.
Understanding and Empathetic
Medical school schedules are crazy. If you are considering getting in a relationship during medical school, then this person must be understanding and empathetic towards what you are going through.
You may not always be able to hang out. Does this anger them? You had a tough day and got a bad test grade. Do they know how to comfort you? The peaks and pits of medical school are unpredictable and everlasting. Significant others of medical students must navigate many emotions and be able to adapt to the stressors of a medical student.
Secure
Secure partners are essential in any meaningful relationship. The time constraints and diverted attention that are prominent characteristics in a medical student’s life make security that much more important.
Can your partner entertain or center themselves in their own work or identity? If you have to cancel on them at that last minute, do they trust you or are they suspicious? Does your partner need constant reassurance that the relationship is okay because of your other commitments?
Those outside of medical school may not understand just how much time is required to succeed and may internalize situations that have nothing to do with them. Communication is required in any relationship, but if the other person does not feel secure or can trust you, no matter what you tell them, then that may not work for you in the long-run.
Driven and Ambitious
Medical students are often driven and ambitious people. There are so many steps required to become a physician. The grit and perseverance and medical school normally filters out those who are not as committed. Having partners who are also driven and ambitious puts them on equal footing with you as far as your goals.
These individuals may not be in medicine, but they have a baseline work ethic that is the same as yours. This compatibility is essential and will help them understand why you are the way you are. Without it, you may find yourself constantly explaining yourself to someone who will just not get it.
Supportive
The best quality that a significant other can be is supportive. Medical school is mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually taxing. This takes a toll on students, and those closest to them see the results and may bear the consequences. As a partner, this is an enormous task to take on. Therefore, before getting in a relationship during medical school, think about if your potential significant other is emotionally mature and grounded enough to give you the support that you need. There’s a level of selflessness and comfort that the other person has to have in order to consistently and constantly be there for you. They see the long-term vision, and they don’t resent having to be there for you.
There are an infinite number of characteristics that a person can be, and the personal customization is up to you. However, these four make up a partner who can provide the necessary emotional and mental foundation required to date a medical student.
Your Time Constraints
Another consideration before getting in a relationship during medical school is your time constraints. Medical school takes up a lot of time, up to 60-80 hours a week. That does not leave much more time for sleeping, eating, showering, let alone, a full relationship.
As you date someone and start to see the potential for a relationship, you have to consider where and how they are going to fit in your schedule. If you are going to take the step to be in a relationship, you cannot provide your partner with minimal time and attention. It is not fair to them.
If you are going to commit, then you have to commit. Any extra time that you have may be allocated to them. Does this excite you or annoy you? If you are excited, then that means you enjoy spending time with this person enough that it’s worth giving up “me time”. If that thought does not excite you, then this may not be the person or time for you.
Be honest with them about your busy-ness and explain to them you’re inability to not commit. There is a chance that they will move on without you, and that’s just par for course. However, it’s better to be honest with someone and let them make a decision than getting into something that you just don’t have time for.
Your Goals for the Relationship
As you begin thinking about getting in a relationship during medical school, it’s important to know what your goals are for the relationship. You and the other person need to be on similar pages for what you both want. Are you looking for something more casual, but monogamous? Is it an open situation? Are you dating for marriage? These are all considerations that you should know as you begin to get more serious.
It can be daunting to label a relationship right off the bat. It’s enticing to “see where things go”. However, without a clear path of what you are doing, you and the other person may have different expectations of one another. This incongruence can lead to many issues that interrupt your path to becoming a doctor and sour the relationship.
Have a talk with your partner about what they are looking for, and if they can’t articulate an answer, then they either haven’t thought about it or don’t want to be locked into an answer. Either way, you have to decide if that person is worth your time, or if you need to move on to someone who is looking for the same things as you.
You and Your Partner’s Conflict Resolution Skills
Conflict is a part of any relationship, especially a committed one. When it comes to your family and close friends, you have had conflicts and learned how to resolve them.
Maybe you’re a yeller. Maybe you’re someone who needs to shut down and take time to think. Whatever your conflict resolution skills are, it’s important that your partner either understands how you deal with conflict, or you have similar approaches.
This is important because when a conflict arises, its resolution needs to be swift and productive. Conflicts can ruin your day, disrupt your studying, and cause you a lot of anxiety and distress. The sooner you are able to resolve your conflict, the sooner you can get back to your daily routine. If you have a partner with low emotional availability or you have low emotional availability, this can make conflicts much bigger than they need to be.
When dealing with conflict, it’s best to be direct, focused, and factual. Couples who strive to communicate in such a healthy way may be stronger than those that do not.
Ask the person you are considering dating what their conflict resolution looks like. Do they stay mad for a long time? Do they like to talk things out or do they keep things to themselves? Is their default to yell, scream, and cuss? As you begin to have small disagreements, you will see fairly quickly how they manage conflict and decide if this works for you or is a bigger distraction than you need.
What Value Your Partner Adds to Your Life
One final consideration before getting in a relationship during medical school is what value your partner adds to your life. Twitter conversations and podcasts spew information about transactional relationships which may have you wondering what you to expect out of your partner, if anything.
But the truth is, all of your relationships should be adding value to your life. This value does not have to be financial or service-based; it is whatever you decide it to be. If your life is going well as a single person, addition of another person needs to be positive and worth taking on the responsibilities of a relationship.
If you are in a relationship where they offer financial support, then that is great. However, money is not enough of a reason to get in a relationship. Do they intellectually stimulate you? Do they inspire or motivate you to work hard in any aspect of your life? Are they kind and considerate, often taking care of the tasks that may stress you out? Do they help you study or improve in school? Do they make you laugh or smile when you’re having a bad day? These are only a few examples of the way a partner can add value to your life. Although relationships take more than just these few traits to work, these traits are the small things that help you appreciate your person.
Key Takeaways
Relationships can be very rewarding and fulfilling, but they also take a certain level of commitment and dedication. Being in medical school is a unique experience, and one that requires a certain caliber of person to handle as your significant other. If you truly feel that you have found that person, take these considerations into account and determine if they measure up. If you have other considerations that medical students should consider before getting in a relationship during medical school, then please leave them in the comments below.
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