:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/Screenshot2024-10-04at11.05.45AM-b84f1249467b4582905fed8603092d00.png?w=1068&resize=1068,0&ssl=1 "Why You Need to Set Boundaries in Relationships")
“Boundaries” have become somewhat of a buzzword these days. Though they may be the subject of trending TikToks (and not to mention reel after reel on Instagram), they’re far from a passing fad.
Rachel Astarte, LMFT, founder and director of Rachel Astarte Holistic Psychotherapy, says, “As a society, we’re paying more attention to creating environments that foster better mental health. Boundaries have become an important topic of discussion because we’re beginning to realize how vital it is to honor our needs in relationships.”
Setting boundaries is a fundamental aspect of developing—and maintaining—healthy romantic relationships, which, in turn, maintains robust well-being. However, many of us struggle with implementing boundaries or even knowing when they’re needed. If you want to set boundaries in your relationships, but don’t know how, keep reading to learn how to respectfully (and assertively!) communicate your needs.
At a Glance
Boundaries are a key pillar of healthy relationships. They come in many forms (physical, sexual, emotional, etc.) and allow you to have meaningful connections to others and ourselves. Setting healthy boundaries requires self-reflection and respectful yet assertive communication. It’s important to remember that boundaries are a long-term process and need to be maintained over time.
What Are Boundaries in a Relationship?
“Boundaries are the limits we place around ourselves for what we are and aren’t willing to give to others, which help us stay comfortable and safe in our relationships,” says Rachel Orleck, PsyD, an EFT (Emotionally-Focused Therapy) therapist for couples. “In essence, they define the structure and dynamic of our relationships.” Dr. Orleck compares a healthy boundary to Goldilocks.
Being too passive can invite others to take advantage of you (unintentionally or otherwise) while having excessively inflexible boundaries can close you off from connecting on a deeper level. The key is to strike a balance.
Why Boundaries Are Important
“The biggest misunderstanding about boundaries is that they are negative, as if setting them creates winners and losers,” says Yesenia Garcia, a licensed clinical social worker. “In reality, boundaries do quite the opposite—they foster deeper connections to others and ourselves.”
Garcia says boundaries are a long-term strategy, which protects you in the present and forms lasting connections over time.
Types of Boundaries in Relationships
Boundaries come in many forms: physical, emotional, sexual, time, spiritual, financial, and cultural.
- Physical boundaries: These involve respecting personal space and physical needs such as touch (kissing, hugging, cuddling, etc.).
- Emotional boundaries: These involve honoring your inner worlds—your feelings and thoughts—and providing constructive (versus destructive) criticism.
- Sexual boundaries: Respect your comfort levels around sexual behavior, which includes obtaining consent.
- Time boundaries: Considerating your personal schedules and availability.
- Spiritual boundaries: Honoring your beliefs, religious practices, and any potential spiritual triggers.
- Financial boundaries: Respect your spending and saving habits, along with maintaining financial privacy where appropriate.
- Cultural boundaries: A consideration of your customs, traditions, and generational differences.
Signs You Need to Set Boundaries in a Relationship
“If you are frequently feeling overwhelmed, overworked, uncomfortable, resentful, and anxious, then you likely don’t have very good boundaries in your relationships,” says Dr. Orleck. Setting boundaries starts with self-check-ins. Astarte says you can ask yourself questions to determine whether boundaries are necessary in a certain area:
- Do I feel uncomfortable when the other person does X?
- Is my energy drained because of this person’s actions?
- Am I avoiding this person due to their actions?
Journaling your responses or discussing them with a mental health professional, can give you the insight you need to move forward.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries
Setting boundaries in a relationship can be…scary. Especially if you struggle with vocalizing your needs or get anxious about how the other person might respond.
But there are a few things you can do to make these conversations less frightening. One, Garcia says, is by having confident body language, which means “standing tall and maintaining eye contact with whom you’re speaking.” Another tip is to be respectful, maintain an air of kindness, and be open to compromise where possible.
The language you use, such as “I” statements (which highlight how the situation impacts your feelings), can help a person be more receptive. “You” statements, on the other hand, can sound accusatory and put them on guard. “Instead of saying, ‘You never let me talk,’ try, ‘I feel disrespected when I’m interrupted during conversations,’” says Garcia. “This helps the other person see things from your perspective without being on the defense.”
Examples of Healthy Boundaries
Astarte says that healthy boundaries honor the relationship we’re in. They communicate what we need from our partners to feel respected. Here are a couple of ways we might consider verbalizing our boundaries:
- “I have trouble connecting to you when you speak loudly. Please speak a little softer.”
- “It takes me a while to wake up in the morning, so when you call me before 8 a.m., I can’t be fully present. Please call me after 9 a.m.”
Both of these examples use “I” statements to take responsibility for your own feelings, and clearly articulate what we need from the other person.
Examples of Unhealthy Boundaries
To set healthy boundaries, you also need to understand what unhealthy ones look like. According to Dr. Orleck, be mindful of, “always saying yes or allowing [yourself] to be treated in ways that make [you] uncomfortable.” For example, you may think bending over backward for others upholds harming in relationships, but it can actually erode your well-being.
“[This approach] doesn’t actually lead to mutual respect or enhance connection,” Dr. Orleck adds.
That said, some boundaries can be too firm. This can close us off from others and make us appear rigid and unwilling to find a middle ground, which makes it harder to sustain healthy relationships.
Tips for Maintaining Boundaries
Boundaries aren’t a one-and-one ordeal in most cases. Even couples in healthy long-term relationships experience boundary violations. It’s important to consistently communicate your need for new boundaries while maintaining existing ones.
Alex Banta, LISW-S, clinical director at Thriveworks, has been with her husband for 12 years. She and her partner “often realize there is a need for a boundary when a pattern keeps tripping us up or causing conflict.”
Tip: “Gently and respectfully reminding one another of our boundaries helps get us back on track,” she says. “The trip is to remain as calm as possible and remind myself that my husband is likely doing his very best. This is just an area that needs a refresh. Assuming positive intent goes a long way!”
Conclusion
Boundaries can teach us so much about ourselves: our needs, our triggers, our breaking points. When done intentionally and with ongoing practice, boundaries can help us form lasting relationships built on trust, respect, and open communication.
At the end of the day, we’re all still human, and sometimes, we’ll have our slip-ups. Your friend or partner might accidentally overstep your boundary. You might even cross your friend’s boundaries once or twice, but it’s not a huge ordeal. Give them (and yourself) grace. Remind yourself to be adaptable. Boundaries change as your relationships do, so being rigid and firm helps no one, least of all yourself. With time and practice, setting and honoring your boundaries won’t be anxiety-inducing or super scary. But just another regular conversation with your partner.
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